sexy_sha | (no subject)

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Hakkai thought he was dead.

Gojyo tore thought the Hotel, hunting down every place he thought Hakkai might go. The big library, the small library, the library with all the books bound in green. The really big library. The gardens. The other gardens. His room. Hakkai's old room. Sanzo's room. Bars 1-63.

Nothing.

Hakkai had already killed him once, and now Hakkai thought he was dead. As angry as Gojyo had been at the way Hakkai had treated him, that was nothing in the face of the possibility that Hakkai might hurt himself... or worse. What would he do if he thought Gojyo was gone for good? And what would Sanzo do in response?

As the days ticked by Gojyo grew increasingly frantic in his search, running up one hall and down the next until he collapsed more than once. "All right!" he shouted at last, leaning against the wall in the middle of an empty hallway, dripping with sweat and out of breath from his search. "All right, you fucker, you win. You want us to screw? We'll screw. Just let me find him."

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Why did he want sex? What a crazy question! Sex was sex, and it was...

But this was a place where he and Hakkai saw things differently, wasn't it? Hakkai thought it was just sex (which sickened Gojyo's stomach. The best he had to offer, being dismissed as "just" anything), so how could Gojyo explain how much more it meant to him?

Frowning, he weighed his words carefully before replying.

"When I try to say stuff, important stuff, it usually comes out wrong." His thumb stroked over the edge of Hakkai's dick again, pressing a little more forcefully against the heavy cloth. "This, I don't get wrong. I touch you, an' you respond, and I understand what you want, and you know what I want. There's no words gettin' in th'way."

The conversation was verging on too deep for him to handle, but he pressed on a little further anyway. "It's not just sex... and I swear t'god, Cho Hakkai, if you laugh at me for this I'm gonna kick your ass until it's a whole new shape."

Hakkai dealt in words. Words were something he could mold into another facet of his mask and that just made hiding easier. What he wanted... what he needed was more. He needed someone to be there; to keep him from thinking too deep or too hard. He needed someone to be there when his thoughts turned darker than they should.

He knew what he needed. The physical, while amazing, was fleeting. Hakkai needed someone to ground him.

There was no laughter in that guarded gaze that watched him. It was almost calm, but still far too wary. Before he could even think, he absently licked at his lips before breaking their locked gazes.

"And how do you know that the way a body responds is the truth? Around here, that can be easily influenced."

"Yeah, I've noticed," Gojyo replied dryly. His thumb never stilled, stroking gently back and forth over Hakkai's cock. It wasn't a touch meant to arouse, though... not really. It was more of a caress than anything else, soft and soothing. At least, that was the intent.

But, fuck. How to say what he meant? Making him use words to explain how he wasn't good with words was a hell of a thing to do to a guy.

"But we're not always gettin' dosed with fuck gas, right? Sometimes, when I touch you, you respond because you want to." His mouth quirked off to the side in a self-mocking little grin. "Okay, I'm pretty sure that's why. Ninety percent sure."

Such gentle stroking was something Hakkai wasn't used to. It had been so long since anyone touched him gently. Even the time he'd spent with Sanzo had been edged with almost desperate temper, barring the coaxing kisses he'd pulled from their blonde companion.

He could argue that it was just a natural reaction, or the drugs that seemed to be a habitual add on to daily life in the hotel. It would be so easy to say that's all it was, but he really did his best to keep from lying to Gojyo. After all, of anyone, the redhead knew more about him than anyone else.

Sighing, he fought back the urge to slide his fingers through Gojyo's hair.

"... you're right."

"I'm sorry," Gojyo chuckled, swirling the ball of his thumb over the thick root of Hakkai's cock. "I didn't quite catch that. You want t'say it again?"

Sighing, Hakkai stepped back and glanced away. The teasing grated on his already raw nerves. He didn't want to play like that, even if it was Gojyo's way. Maybe once his mind was settled again and he had a little more sleep to smooth away the dark shadows under his eyes and in the back of his mind, then he could quip back with his usual teasing smile.

Not now, though.

Fuck. ...See? He speaks, and it all falls apart.

Tapping his cigarette out (it had turned into one long column of ash, Gojyo quickly lit another off the butt end, eyes never turning from Hakkai's face.

"So what about you?" he asked, once his smoke was lit. He crushed the butt out cold in the bedside ashtray and perched the cigarette in the corner of his mouth. Hakkai had accused him of hiding behind his smokes, and he needed to smoke... but at least he could do what he could to stop it from being his focus.

See, Hakkai? He does listen. And he does try.

"What do you want?"

What a question.

Hakkai wanted so much. He wanted to see his home one more time,e ven if he knew that the mission they'd all been sent on would mean his death in the end. If it happened, it was alright, as long as he was with the people that mattered the most to him. He wanted his companions to be safe and be able to return to their own homes after they were done. He wanted to spend lazy mornings in bed with his best friend, and cold evenings playing cards with his companions. He wanted the perfect cup of tea and the chance to savor it, then follow it was cheap beer and a good long fuck.

He wanted so damn much.

Reaching up to scrub long fingers through his own hair, he closed his eyes and moved to sit next to Gojyo.

"I want to believe you're really here with me and I want you to stay if it's true."

...Of course. All the things he could offer Hakkai, and he asks for things Gojyo can't provide. But isn't that how things between them have been going from the beginning? Hakkai is so smart, so... classy. And Gojyo isn't. Hakkai wants words and promises, and Gojyo just wants to fuck.

He doesn't believe in regret, but fuck if he isn't starting to regret that night in the rain. It was the best night of his life, but his life wasn't designed to have 'bests'. They only led to pain.

"You know I can't. I can't prove I'm here, and I've got no say on whether I stick around." For all he knew, this wasn't his Hakkai at all. Or he wasn't himself. Maybe the Gojyo Hakkai was waiting for was taller, or right-handed, or any of a thousand tiny differences. How would he ever be able to trust himself again? If he never knew who he was...

But no. That was shit best left to bald-headed shit-spewing monks. Guys like him were simple, with simple lives and simple thoughts. "You've got me here, now... and I want t'be here. And I want t'be here with you. And I don't want t'leave. That's th'best I can offer."

Hakkai was starting to regret that night as well, among other things. In some way, he regretted that Gojyo had found him bleeding in the rain. Death would've been so much easier, after all.

When had the life of Cho Hakkai ever been easy?

.. no. One thing he'd been trying to learn was to live in the here and now. Life was too short and painful to expect things that one didn't deserve, and Hakkai hadn't deserved happiness in a long time. Maybe a night or two at a time, but never more than that. His life wasn't made to allow for happiness. It only made things harder.

Glancing over at the redhead, he kept his gaze as neutral as he could manage.

"I never thought I'd hear you say something like that after the time you found me in the library."

"Oi, I'm still fuckin' pissed about that," Gojyo retorted, tapping the ash off the end of his smoke. The space between them kept feeling like it was changing -- did Hakkai notice it too? It was too much distance, and then it wasn't enough, back and forth. It was starting to make him dizzy. "Don't think I've forgotten."

At least the bruises had faded. He'd been mad - still was, actually -- but Hakkai was hurting enough without having to nurse a black eye on top of everything. "But spendin' ten years alone with my crazy mom kinda put shit in perspective," he continued, a little softer. His hands fell limply in his lap and he stared down between them, and the middle distance between them and the floor.

"She hated me. I mean, really hated me. She tried to kill me, fuck, eight time? Nine, until she got too weak to use th'chair? And I don't mean just grabbin' me and hittin' me, I mean really tryin' to kill me." He sucked on his smoke, blowing a thick cloud out and watching it curl back on itself over the gaudy blood-red carpet.

"But I loved her. I really did. ...Really do, if I'm bein' honest. Someone who never did a single nice thing for me, who would rather claw my eyes out than let me even look at her, somebody who spent her entire life wishing I was dead... and I loved her." He turned to look steadily at Hakkai.

"How th'fuck could I hate you?"

The distance still remained, even though Hakkai was trying to find a way to bridge it. The attempt was clumsy and so not like Hakkai, yet there he was, watching Gojyo from the corner of his good eye and trying to keep himself from reaching across that chasm to rest his hand over Gojyo's, but wanting to so bad it was almost painful.

He listened in silence, attention keenly locked on the redhead. He noticed each breath he took and the inflections in his voice, as if he were trying to memorize everything Gojyo. In the back of his mind, he knew this might be the last time he ever saw him, or was able to touch him, but try as he might, he just couldn't seem to make his hand move, no matter how badly he wanted to.

"I believe I hate myself enough for the both of us."

Fixing Hakkai with an unreadable look, Gojyo stabbed out his cigarette and then flopped backwards across the bed. At least this room didn't have mirrors on the ceiling -- the last thing he wanted right now was to be confronted with his own red, reflected a thousands times across the room.

"Oi." He reached out and gave Hakkai's sleeve a tug. "Get down here."

For once, he did as he was told without comment but not without another look at the redhead. He didn't like not being able to read his friend, but even between friends, some secrets had to be safe.

Settling back on the plush bedding, he fought the urge to stretch out even more and let his eyes close. If they did when he didn't have something to keep him occupied, he'd more than likely fall asleep.

After a moment of hesitation, he let his hand finally move to touch Gojyo.

"... I'm sorry."

But Gojyo was already reaching for him, wrapping those long arms around his chest and pulling him close.

"Shut up."

The soft exhalation almost sounded like the ghost of a laugh. It was something that wouldn't have happened around anyone else. Not lately.

Sighing, Hakkai settled against Gojyo's lanky frame with an easy familiarity that he thought he'd forgotten.

They fit together so well. It was like they were designed to be pressed against each other. Gojyo settled his cheek against the top of Hakkai's head and allowed himself a moment of true relaxation. All the stress drained from his back and shoulders, and for the first time in days (years), he could finally breathe.

"I should probably tell you," he murmured into Hakkai's hair. "Th'hotel wouldn't let me find you until I promised we'd fuck. No," he interrupted quickly, before Hakkai could reply, "no, I know you don't want to, an' it's fine. I'm just lettin' you know why I'm gonna be pissin' with th'door open from now on."

His own tension faded a bit at the close contact. Of anything, Hakkai enjoyed being a tactile person and he found he'd missed physical contact, but that didn't mean he was ready for something more even if his body might think differently.

For a moment, it was so tempting to close his eyes and just rest against the redhead's warmth, but he knew if he did, he'd more than likely wake up alone.

"... it isn't anything I haven't seen before."

Hakkai sounded exhausted, and Gojyo felt a twinge of guilt. It wasn't like he'd had any say in being brainwashed, but the guilt was there nonetheless.

"...It's not just sex, you know," he said at last, before he could lose his nerve. "I mean, it is just sex, but..." Why was this so hard? "I don't just want t'fuck you because you're here."

This really wasn't working. "I should just stop talking now, shouldn't I?"

For a moment, Hakkai frowned but it was a fleeting expression. He was the one making things so complicated and he knew it. Expecting more than just sex from someone like Gojyo was unwise and nothing more than an exercise in futility.

Shaking his head, he just burrowed closer.

"It's fine."

That sounded like a it's not fine but I'm too tired to fight about it. And while Gojyo would love nothing more than to let Hakkai rest and be comforted, if he didn't get this cleared up then it was just going to keep coming back to bite them both in the ass over and over again.

"It's not fine," he protested quietly, giving Hakkai's arm a squeeze. This isn't a fight, no need to sit up, that squeeze said. "It's not fine, it's... okay," he tried again, "so, other'n Sanzo, which was totally not my fault, when have I ever fucked another guy? When have I ever come home smellin' like someone else's spunk?"

But in so many ways, that wasn't enough.

Hakkai had no intention of pulling away, but the distance still seemed to linger between them in so many other ways. He didn't care about fault or blame. He didn't even really care that it had been Sanzo... or was he lying to himself there? Really, could he say anything, though? He'd been with other men. Men he cared for, in fact.

"Does that psychotic redhead count when he was a girl?"

He'd been walking funny for days after that run-in with Schuldig. His ass still throbbed just at the memory of that huge fake dick he'd used.

"No it doesn't fucking count." He barely suppressed a shudder. "I'm talkin' about men. Real men. There hasn't been a single goddamn one, has there?"

"Would it make you feel better if I told you that I killed him for it?"

Yes, it was a subject change, but if anyone, he tried to be honest with Gojyo. Besides, in a way, he'd been looking forward to telling him.

Shifting a bit, he settled himself even closer to Gojyo's side, his hand moving to rest low on his belly.

Okay, that? That was unexpected. "You what?!" Unexpected, and very very nice to hear.

He pulled back a bit, just enough so that he could look Hakkai in the eye as he asked, "You killed him... for me?"